’60s Batman: What I’ve Learned


Robin and I are just good friends.

Sometimes I just pretend I didn’t see the Bat Signal; especially if it’s really late at night and it’s cold and raining. Just send out some damn cops; my taxes pay for them, so in a way I’m still saving the city. And I pay a lot of tax.

Shark repellent? Yeah, it’s a real thing. Although it’s mostly just AXE deodorant.

The secret to a bat-a-rang is not really caring if it comes back. If you get hung up on that then forget it — it’s a poorly designed weapon.

Catwoman said she likes me, but I don’t know if she likes me likes me. Robin said she’s not worth it and I should forget about her. It’s complicated.

You’d be surprised how many times things can be fixed by simply reversing the polarity.

Sometimes when I’m on top of a building I get mistaken for a member of Fathers 4 Justice, which makes me question why I even bother with all this.

The car doesn’t get many miles to the gallon, but if you turn up at the scene of a crime in a Prius, what kind of message is that sending out? Do you want me to save the environment or save a UN delegate who has been turned into powder? It’s a question of priorities.

Sure, sometimes after a few beers I go down the pole to the Bat Cave just for fun. I’m only human.

That time in Cabo? Robin told you what? No, I was pretty clear, there were no mixed signals being sent.

I’m frequently astonished at the poor quality of henchmen and their apparent refusal to simply use a gun. But I have to admit there is a real beauty to an over-elaborate deathtrap. Those guys must spend ages putting them together.

Most of the flashing lights and computers in the Batcave are just for show. I thought I’d need to use them more, but so far the Penguin’s lairs have been located at Penguin Campaign Headquarters, The Penguin’s Nest, Penguin Studios Inc. and Penguin Bookshop — he’s not a difficult criminal to track down. A copy of the Yellow Pages P-section is all I really need.

Sometimes I call up Commissioner Gordon and he’s all, “Hey Batman what’s wrong?” and I have to say, “Actually it’s just Bruce Wayne” and you know, he never puts two and two together. Sometimes I wonder how he got to be Commissioner.

I have no idea why The Riddler kept communicating in riddles; it did nothing but waste his time as well as mine. But I’ll tell you this — he was still easier to decipher than text messages from my niece. What the hell does “NKD ROBN CABO OMG WEL JEL YOLO LOL :)” mean?

I knew the Joker back when he was just starting out as a kid. In those days he’d wait until you were in a lift with him then he’d say “pull my finger”. Yeah, he got me a few times.

For Esquire Magazine

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