Women claim communication is the key, but there are some things that are best left never said…

“Calm down”
Oh they hate this one. Boy do they get angry when you rationally ask them to stop over-reacting. But what they hear when you say this is that the way they are feeling is not important to you. You should be saying, “I understand how you feel, but…”

“What the hell have you done to yourself?!”
If she went to have collagen injections to make her lips look like Liv Tyler, but came home looking like Steve Tyler, she needs your support and not wisecracks and enquiries as to when the big World tour is starting.

“I love that perfume, my ex used to wear it
She doesn’t want you to be reminded of your ex every time she puts on her new perfume. And if you’ve bought it for her then it suggests you want reminders of another woman.

“Dunno, whatever you want.”…
Surprisingly, they want you to make decisions about things like restaurants and stuff you’re actually pretty nonplussed about. But just because it’s you choice, it doesn’t mean you get to march up and down chanting “Steak! Steak! Steak!” while looking for those loose fitting jeans. What she means is, “Impress me with your thoughtful choice”.

“You’re sure you want to order that?”
She complains she’s put on weight and then when you’re out, you see her ordering the chips. We know. It makes no sense whatsoever. But just let it go, otherwise she’ll order the salad and then eat half the chips off your plate.

“Can I kiss you?”
Does James Bond ask permission? Did Sinatra ask? Did Han Solo ask? Don’t kill the spontaneity and ruin the moment by asking permission.

“And… this affects me how?”
Some women take something that happened at work and retell events at great length adding new details as they go. Then 20 minutes later you discover there was no point or punchline. Just pretend to be interested once in a while and life will go smoother.

“But I’ve been a Liverpool fan since I was a child… You are comparatively new.”
There are times when you have to give up the things you like doing to be with her. Just hope that her birthday next year doesn’t clash with a game again.

“Pull my finger…”
Yes, this is still funny, but for some reason many women never really found it quite as hilarious. Especially not at brunch with her parents. On a hot summer day. In a confined space.

“Your best friend is really hot.”
Her friend might be a Victoria’s Secret underwear model but don’t ever point out her incredible hotness. The correct statement is, ‘Yeah, she’s pretty I suppose but not really my type’.

“When are you due?”
Here’s the rule: Unless you can see a baby physically coming out of a woman at that exact moment, do not assume she is pregnant.

“Yeah, now you mention it, you do look a bit fatter.”
What are you, insane? Hmm? Like sleeping on the sofa do you? Gonna build a little fort out of the cushions?

“Don’t bother getting dressed up, nobody is going to care what you wear.”
But she does. And you should. It may only be a trip to the cafe but she wants to look nice and you should want her to look nice too.

“Is it that time of the month again?”
This is what is known as a lose/lose scenario. If your hunch is right and she’s ‘taking Carrie to the prom’, the hormonal rage will be coming your way with a vengence. If she’s not, she’ll just summon some new, bespoke rage, for suggesting that she’s acting hormonal.

For Men’s Fitness magazine